Brutal Love: ‘I’m just a gay man who responds to a straight man, telling him to overcome himself’ | savage love | Orlando
Dear Dan: I have a fun little naming question. I am a non-binary person designated as Male at Birth (AMAB). I gravitate toward femininity in life and in love. My question is about the universality of the label “lesbian”. Is this a women’s only label? Or does it include everyone who is attracted to femininity? My goal is to classify myself appropriately without infringing on others. —All likes comprehensively categorized
As in the nomenclature, ALLI, “lesbian” sounds pretty darn bi to me. Now, the meaning of any given word evolves and changes over time, of course, and the meaning follows the usage. But lesbian currently means – and is currently used to mean and likely will continue to mean – a woman who is exclusively attracted to other women romantically and sexually. Bisexual (AMAB, femme and in female) may want to identify as a lesbian. Since you are neither a woman nor a man, ALLI, why would you want to use such a gender classification? (Why you might feel qualified to use it is another topic, one I’ll leave for commenters to discuss.)
However, no one can stop you from using the term lesbian to describe yourself. You know how they say in the anti-abolition culture rhetoric – that there is no such thing as abolition culture, only accountability? Well, ALLI, there is no such thing as gatekeepers or gatekeepers; There are no ID cops with the authority to make arrests or issue fines. There are only people who might find your nonsense upsetting. In the case of your nonsense, ALLI, some lesbians will find it annoying – very annoying But no more annoying lesbians can stop you from identifying yourself as a lesbian than annoying Slate writers can stop Louis CK from selling pitches. Nobody can cancel it. Nobody can save you.
Dear Dan: I was kidding with this guy from my class. He is four years old and seems to be very interested in drugs and some subcultures, but he also maintains an active personality on social media. We’re planning on going out, but I already know it’ll fit into an unhealthy pattern of mine: guys who aren’t sure what they want and are reluctant to make commitments. Do I enjoy the sex that can happen? Or am I being clear to protect myself?
Should I have sex with this intriguing new man?
Depends, sifting. After identifying this unhealthy pattern—your tendencies to hook up with men who aren’t sure what they want and/or can’t commit—have you been able to enjoy sex without allowing yourself to get attached to men with commitment issues? If yes, if you trust yourself not to pick up feelings for someone, then go ahead and have sex with that guy. But if the answer is no – if you can’t have sex with a guy without picking up on feelings – then don’t fuck that guy.
Minimizing way – this isn’t a comment on your status or dating history – but sometimes we tell ourselves that a guy has “commitment issues” when he doesn’t want to commit to us. And sometimes we tell ourselves that a woman “don’t know what she wants” when she doesn’t want us. that’s good. We are just protecting our ego. But if we think this bullshit without reservation – if we buy our own hype – we will be shocked when the ex who can’t commit to us because he “don’t know what he wants” suddenly knows what he wants. He is another person.
Dear Dan: I am a 31 year old female living in the South. Dating here is a nightmare. It is as if everyone got married at the age of 22 and he is superior in Jesus. I just broke up with someone and went back to apps, and the first date I went on was great. Really cool, liberal, age-appropriate with a similar sense of humor. I had so much fun, and we exchanged numbers. And then… nothing. I bit the bullet and went on and so far I haven’t heard anything. At what point do I write this guy as a ghost? And how do I deal with the utter disappointment of being darkened by a guy I was really communicating with?
– Ghosts are awful
GH: I got a call on the Savage Lovecast last week from a woman who was furious about being ghosted by a man – a neighbor she had to go through her front door every day – and then saw the coroner remove the man’s body. From his apartment on a stretcher. As the meme says, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” As for your fight, Jah, look on the bright side. The first date I went after going back to the apps went well! There was no second date, which is too bad, and assuming he didn’t die, it would have been rude for him to flop over you like that. But if there’s one guy in your area you might have a great first date with (even if he’s not going anywhere), GAH, it’s not unreasonable to assume that there are other guys in your area who could have an equally amazing first date ( dates that might go somewhere).
I made a girlfriend this week and noticed she had a growth of her ghost, I’m sure it’s good but any idea? -what was that
I have no idea but if the growth is somewhere your friend may have a hard time seeing you you should say something to her so she can get it checked out by a doctor.
Dear Dan: I recently dated someone for a few weeks and had sex, and they weren’t protected, and then found out right away they had herpes. I was annoyed because I had condoms by the bed. But I also felt partly responsible because we didn’t have a discussion first. It ended up being a few days later. We continued dating and then used condoms until one night when I was high to eat, and he didn’t use the condom. This was after he asked me earlier if I was comfortable without using a condom again and explicitly asked to use a condom. We’re not together now, but we feel really bad. He seemed like the nicest person.
– What the fuck was that
What this was, WTFWT, was spoiled. And this guy was not nice. There is not much you can do about it now besides learning from experience. First, Don’t drop hints. Don’t put the condom on the table and hope the other person will take the hint and use the condom. Tell the other person that a condom is there to use and that if there isn’t one on your penis, their penis won’t come anywhere near the hole/holes – and if their penis gets close to the hole without a condom on, or if the condom should magically disappear After his penis is in your hole, you will file a police report. and the second, Don’t make requestsexpress or otherwise. From now on, submit the demands. Unequivocal demands, unambiguous. And go to test.
Dear Dan: Cis, married, straight guy here. You are gay. If you had the chance, how would you tempt me? I’ve never had sex with a guy before, because I really like pussy and the way women feel, but I think I can do it for you. I’ve always been my “pass man” celebrity. How can we start this? I’m just a straight guy writing to a gay guy, asking him to have sex with him.
Lust after Dan
DEAR LAD: Straight guys making passes at gay guys assume we’re all thinking, “Oh my God, this is my only chance to sleep with a real guy!” In fact, LAD, what most gay men think of when a straight guy hits us is, “Jesus Christ, this guy’s going to flop on my penis.” Now, this thought doesn’t prevent some gay men from sleeping with straight and bisexual specific men or gay and closed, LAD, and it doesn’t prevent some gay men from sleeping with the rare, straight but heterosexual guy with an inflexible person. A very specific crush on one of us. But it’s always annoying when a straight guy assumes his straightness is an aphrodisiac drives gay men wild and asks questions like, “If given the opportunity, how would you seduce me?” This framing assumes that I will, or would like to try, if given the chance.
So, you could say, I’m just a gay guy responding to a straight guy, asking him to beat himself up.
* A shout out to all asexual lesbians, who are attracted to other women emotionally but not sexually, and to all aromatic lesbians, who are attracted to other women sexually but not emotionally. I see you and your pride flags, I’m familiar with your animated avatars, and I vouch for the health of your lesbians.